How to Stop Being Needy and Insecure in Your Relationships

Why do men pull away

Do you believe that you have to have a relationship? Or that it’s better to have one than to not have one? There are so many people miserable in their relationships but they stay in them either because they are afraid to be alone or they have bought the idea that they must have one, or, rather than having a sense of security with themselves, they look to someone else to provide that for them.

The problem with this perspective is if you go into a relationship with the idea that you must have a relationship, whatever the reasons may be, this promotes you to being needy and insecure in the relationship. That need and insecurity then puts a wall between you and your partner, eventually driving you apart.

Even though it’s contrary to popular belief, the people that create the most success in their relationships have no need of their partner. When you have no need of your partner, you can have gratitude. When you have need of your partner, gratitude goes away. So, being needless in your relationship is key to creating a great relationship.

Here are 3 tips on how to stop being needy and insecure in your relationship so that you can create one that works:

1. Get Clear on What’s True For You.

Our relationships are often based on the points of view of others. If you want to be needless in your relationship you have to find out what’s true for you. Write down the points of view about relationships that you have picked up from your mother, father, girlfriends and boyfriends by the time you were twenty. Next, write down the points of view you picked up from stories, romance novels and fairy tales.

Now take a look at your list and ask, “How many of these points of view have I tried to create in my relationships?”, and “If I had no past and had bought none of these points of view, what would I like in my relationship right now?”

As you get clear on what it is YOU desire, you can start to make choices to create that.

2. Keep YOU in the Relationship

When we are needy and insecure in our relationship, we give ourselves up.  It’s as if we try to become our partner and we expect them to try and become us. We stop doing the things we enjoy. We stop connecting with the people that nurture us. We make our partner the sole source of our lives and are left with less energy, less joy and lots of resentment.

Something else is possible! Choose for you and allow your partner to choose for them. Do what you love to do. Whatever that may be. Connect with the people that nurture and care for you. YOU are the most important ingredient of your relationship. When you cut off parts of you, thinking that is what is required to make the relationship work, it actually has the opposite effect.

3. Make Every Day a New Beginning

An effective way to make every day a new beginning is to destroy and uncreate your relationship. You might be saying, “What?! Are you saying I should end my relationship?” No. Destroying and uncreating your relationship has nothing to do with breaking up.

When you destroy and uncreate your relationship you are letting go of the judgment, the expectations, the insecurity, the neediness and the resentment that kill your relationship so that you can have all the joy of your relationship.

Every day say, “Everything that our relationship was yesterday, all of the judgments, all of the conclusions, all of the expectations, I let those go now.”

When destroy and uncreate your relationship you are no longer functioning from need but rather from the choice of what you desire.


You are a gift to the world. It’s time to know it. It’s time to be it. Recognize the value of you. Get clear on what you desire in a relationship. Daily choose to let go of the conclusions and expectations and you will be empowered to create a relationship far greater than you can imagine.


Dr. Dain Heer is an internationally renowned author, speaker and facilitator of consciousness and change. Co-creator of Access Consciousness, Dr. Heer invites people to embrace their true greatness—people from every culture, country, age and social strata of society. Originally trained as a chiropractor, he has a completely different approach to healing by facilitating people to tap into and recognize their own abilities and knowing. He is the author of 9 books including, Being You, Changing the World, which is now an international bestseller. A guest on hundreds of nationally syndicated radio and TV shows including Fox News and Gaiam TV, Dr. Heer also hosts a regular radio show called Conversations in Consciousness. Follow @dr_dainheer